we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
