carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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