Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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