One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
