It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
