I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
