yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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