life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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