I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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