the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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