The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
