i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
