cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
