i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
no more duck duck goose at the bar
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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