you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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