On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
