Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
