Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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