I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
