i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
