Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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