TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
