...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
there was a trapeze. enough said
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
