Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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