I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
