i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
