Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
