i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
