I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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