Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
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