I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
