so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
