I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
