We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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