i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
