Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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