my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
