Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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