I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
