I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
