so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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