So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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