Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
