perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
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