did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
