he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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