Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
So vagazzling was a success
COCAINE IS GR8
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
