I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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