I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I love having hate sex.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
