How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
